As students embark on another school year, they also relish in the joy of connecting with friends, making new friends, exploring dating relationships, attending dances, sporting events, parties, and in general, expanding their social lives. Now for some parents thinking of these activities sparked a moan or sense of dread, while others are sharing in their child’s celebration of impending freedom. We hope to share with you a few ideas to help ease your concerns and provide some general guidance in helping your child navigate the world of friendships.

A teen’s interest in friends at times can seem all consuming; however, this is also very natural. Friendships provide a barometer to what adolescents deem as “normal” or at least socially acceptable in the teen world. While parents sometimes lament over our children’s choices in friends and worry about negative influences, the good news is, that peer pressure can be positive. A study of 1,500 adolescents by the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research found that, peer pressure was usually more positive than negative. Friends were more likely to support each others efforts to do well than to encourage risky behaviors (Ideas for Parents, Newsletter #19, 2003 Search Institute). Ninth grade tends to be a pivotal year for adolescents. The friends teens make, their commitment to school, and the activities they join during ninth grade often set the tone for the remainder of their high school years.

Loyalty and conformity are high on the list of elements in teen friendships. Teens are looking for someone that they can confide in with their deepest darkest secrets and someone that they can count on through thick or thin. While confidentiality in teen friendships can be a rocky road, as teens mature, they learn how much and what type of information to share with others.

Conformity in the teen world, leads to acceptance. Self-consciousness and self-doubt run rampant during adolescence and conforming is one way to ease these insecurities. Middle school educators often joke that students seem to think collectively with one brain. During the middle school years is where conformity reveals its importance. Students share the same style of dress, brand names are of significance and our children become walking advertisements for designers. Groups and cliques take on their own personalities through dress, mannerisms, language – groups may make-up new words or coin a phrase that has particular meaning to the group. Looking, talking, and sometimes acting alike, assures teens that they are okay, the norm.

Tip’s for Parents?

Model positive healthy relationships for your child.
Get to know your child’s friends and their families.
Point out what you like about their friends
Avoid criticizing your child’s friends, but express concern if you see the relationship as problematic.
Don’t jump to conclusions based on what friends look like.
Welcome your child’s friends into your home.
Discuss these questions with your child:
What do you like most about your friends?
How do your friends handle conflict when it arises?
How do you feel when you are with your friends? Do they bring out the best in you? Do you bring out the best in them?

Remember, friends play an important role in the life of children. Learning to navigate through the ups and downs of friendships provide a foundation for managing adult relationships.

References:
Feinstein, Sheryl 2007. Parenting the Teenage Brain: Understanding a Work in Progress. Rowman & Littlefield Education.

ideas for parents. www.MVParents.com. Search Institute, Minneapolis, Minnesota.